I'm Either in my Midlife Crisis or Just Cranky

I recently read "Midlife Crisis at 30: How the Stakes Have Changed for a New Generation -- and What to Do About It" by Lia Macko and Kerry Rubin. My friends reading this post might wonder if I'm trying to fool someone into thinking I am still 30 myself. Now, when I got the call from my high school classmate to invite me to our 20th reunion this summer, I wondered how she ever made it through math (because that CAN'T be 20 years ago -- can it?) but I have to admit that I am well past 30 myself.

So what made me read this book? Because I am at a place in my life where I sometimes question the choices I have made and wonder where I am going from here. Because I have another year until my youngest child starts kindergarten, and I sometimes feel like that is a deadline for me to get back to work and do "grown-up" things with my life. Because I wonder why I spent so much money and effort on graduate school, then only used that degree for three years. Because sometimes I feel like I'm not very good at my current job (housewife & stay-at-home mom) and wonder if I should quit, or at least cut back on my hours. This is my "mid-life crisis".

Sure, these are the complaints of an over privileged person. Lots of people would love to be in my shoes, having so many choices. But this book points out that having seemingly unlimited choices is one of the reasons that many well-educated and successful women are anxious, questioning, and even unhappy. As thirty-ish women grew up, we were the first generation to be told, as a group, that we could do anything and everything. We could bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and seduce our man (hopefully not while holding that pan of sizzling lard). And when we can't meet our high expectations, we blame ourselves.

The authors want to help women realize that their problems and situations are not individual, but actually common to their generation. The first part of this book features vignettes of women in their late twenties and early thirties. Some women wonder why they are thirty and still don't have a job with a high enough salary to pay off their student loans. Others have a great career, but worry that it will be destroyed if they take time to have children. Others identify so much with their jobs that they have no social life outside of work, and wonder if they will ever get married. Thirty is a difficult age for many women.

So what's the solution? The second part of the book consists of interviews with women well over 30, mostly baby boomers, talking about the difficulties they faced and how they addressed them. They are meant to be mentors for the younger generation. These women talk about the risks they took, the mistakes they made, and how they dealt with sexism, work/family balance, parenting, not being a parent, being fired, and changing careers. All these mentors have had successes, and provide reassuring stories about how they weathered the storms.

One flaw of the book is that these "mentors" are all conventionally successful: high-level executives, published authors, even a three-star general. There are very few examples of women who left the workforce completely, as I have done for the last four years. And yet I found it reassuring to read so many stories of women who faced many difficulties in their thirties, but can now look back years later and be proud of what they have made of their lives. There's hope still that someday I too will figure out who I want to be when I grow up.

And we can all start working on getting other women in this world into the envious position of wondering how they can do it all, rather than knowing they have no choices at all. But that is another book.

Thanks to Jennifer for lending me her book!

Larry's Party

"Larry's Party," by Carol Shields, is about the life of a guy named Larry. Larry seems to think he has a pretty ordinary life, but as you get to know the various characters and hear all the anecdotes, it adds up to a very rich and interesting life. Larry's parents immigrate to Canada (for a reason which is so awful and yet so funny that I wouldn't dream of spoiling it for you) and raise him and his sister in lower-middle-class neighborhood. His mother orders a brochure from the community college about "Furnace Repair" but by accident receives one about "Floral Arts" instead. So Larry gets a degree in Floral Arts. As Larry sees it, much of his life involves stumbling into various places and relationships without really intending to go in that direction. Larry literally stumbles through a maze on his honeymoon, and develops an obsession with mazes that turns into a career.
There is a lot of humor in this book (how seriously can you take a book with a chapter titled, "Larry's Penis"?) but the characters and situations seem very real. Larry has a tendency to look at his life and think, "how the heck did I end up here, doing this?" which I have often wondered about myself. But the pieces of Larry 's life really do fit together in a fascinating way. I liked this book a lot.